Introducing... Rocky Jewzi

Rocky is a friend of mine. Although she is actually not a beluga whale as seen in the photo above, she is a little jewish bitch. Jokes! Anyways, she just moved back home to Miami after spending something like 6 months in Brooklyn. I asked her to write something for the blog. This is her beef rap for NYC.

Four Ways to Mask How Much I Miss New York

Winter. Maybe its because I was born and raised in Miami or maybe its because the only fat I have on this awkward body is in my tits, but when the weather is a consistent 15 degrees, my body and all of my insides shrivel up and I cant do anything but smoke a lot of pot and shovel pounds of chinese food down my throat. It pisses me off that I have to cover myself up from head to toe. If I'm forced to wear bulky clothes encompassing my entire figure and all you can see is this face, then I'm fucked. I love a good skanky outfit and the god damn snow wont bring me down.

Public transportation. I've never used that shit in my entire life and all of a sudden that is my only means of getting around the city? I guess I'm a snobby bitch but sitting in a subway squeezed between a homeless man that rolled around in his own shit and piss all day and a 200 pound woman eating her daily filet o fish sandwich started to take a toll on me. I promise to you that fat people love sitting next to me on the subway, or should I say ON me, it's like they either DONT see me, or they're just pissed at me and want to make me suffer for being a skinny little bitch.

Money. If you don't have a lot of it, then don't live in New York. I had a sublet in an apartment where the bedroom I stayed in was made by my roommate out of either cardboard or maybe a very nice paper mache. (And I strongly believe that the little hole in the wall that he made was not just for the cable chord to go through) The makeshift room cost me 1400 dollars a month. It almost makes me cry when I think about it. I could have a brand new face with the amount of money I threw away on rent. Fucking. Bullshit.

Roommates. I've never had a great living situation, but I cant decide which roommate was worse out of the two I lived with in New York. I couldn't have chosen a shittier two people and I only can blame myself. First one was straight off of craigslist, seemed like a good place to live and a decent roommate. Things were fine at first, until I found out he was 40 and obsessively horny. The day I realized I finally had to get out was the day he broke down my door, that I swear I locked, and jumped on top of me in my own bed. I still have nightmares about it to this day. Second roommate was a friend of a friend from south Florida and I was warned that this kid was a giant douche, but I was desperate. Turns out he was in fact a giant douche, actually he was king of the douches. I did not know that people like him even existed. He tried so hard to be cool and to impress me. If I left my room door open for even just a minute, then I could almost guarantee some sort of show from him, from pushups accompanied by loud groans, to playing the one song he knows how to play on his guitar, or talking loudly on the phone to his friends about how much pussy he gets. He was the final straw for me.

New York made me go crazy and go broke. But Blah Blah it definitely was a great learning experience. I'm glad to be back home on the beach making my beautiful olive complexion come alive again, but I will, however, miss the fucking delicious cheap pizza, the glorious setting for people watching, and all the sexy hipster boys.